I'm having a hard time keeping my head up this afternoon and evening. I did so well this morning. But, I crashed this afternoon. It is so hard to keep your head up when you feel lousy. I keep trying to remind myself that it could be so much worse. But, honestly, it's hard sometimes. I have two days off before chemo again, so I know I will start to feel better. Just trying to keep my eyes on the prize!

Home from treatment this morning. It went much smoother today. I woke up very anxious and did not want to go. Ian prayed over me and I got up and began to get dressed, but, I still felt so much oppression. I met with a psychologist yesterday and that went well. We worked on my anger. I have just recently began to be very angry that this cancer is back. I think it's been such a whirlwind and I haven't had the time to stop and think about anything. But, the last few days have given me time to think. We worked through some of those emotions yesterday, which was good. I told Ian that I just seem to be in a funk. I'm so run down that it feels like I don't have the energy to fight and my battle has just began. So, all of these feelings brought on anxiety this morning. My Dad called me on the way to chemo and prayed with me on the phone and reminded me that fear is not of the Lord. Once I got there, I felt better and things went really smooth. It took about 22 min. for my sugar to drop. And we caught it at 40 instead of 29, before we started the chemo. I did not sweat as bad this time and then freeze. I am sleepy, but the doctor says that is from the insulin drop. And just everything is taking a toll on my body. I am not nauseous though, which is a big plus! The cramps started in the office, so they gave me some more electrolytes and also gave me a prescription to help with the cramping. So, what started out to be a gloomy day, has so far been wonderful. I am going to just rest today and take it easy.

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I was a little under the weather. I felt great in the morning and went to run a few errands before going to the doctors office and then crashed. I was suppossed to get laser treatment to my lymph nodes, but I was too weak and sick to get treatment yesterday. They decided to just give me fluids and electrolytes which perked me up. I am mainly tired. I just feel like I could sleep and sleep. I did sleep better last night, no leg cramps. Just pray for rest today.

Today went well. It was a long day. First of all, our flight was delayed an hour last night and then another 45 min. once we got to Dallas because there was not a gate open for us. So, we got to the hotel later than we had planned. I slept pretty good last night though. We got to the doctors office around 9am and we didn't leave until 2pm Long day! They were all so good to me. It took about 20min. after I got the insulin before it dropped. It was quick. All of a sudden my heart was racing. I started at 94bpm and went to 125bpm. Then my vision started going. I could see, but everything was fuzzy. I was also sweating profusely. They checked my sugar and it was 29. He started to push the chemo meds and a bunch of others too. He ended with glucose to bring my sugar back up and then I drank orange juice and ate. Food never tasted so good. He told me that I would then get cold and it took a while before I did, but then I started shivering. I was exhausted and fell asleep for quite a while before they could take me back to the hotel. I slept more when I got to the hotel, but was woken up by herendous leg camps. I had lost too much fluid and needed potassium. I was glad Ian was here with me. I remember getting cramps the first time with chemo. Other than that though, I have not been sick. Just tired and the cramps. Hopefully that is as bad as it will get. We called the doctor and he is going to give me more fluids and potassium next time. Maybe that will help and I won't get them. My mom has been running all day getting me the food I need to eat. I don't know what I would do without her. She is the best mom ever. She just knows what I like and doesn't even have to ask me. It's nice not to have to think about all of that part of this. My next treatment will be friday at 8:30am. Keep the prayers coming.

What an awesome night tonight with family and friends. There was standing room only at my parents house. I feel so loved and overwhelmed that all of you came to pray for me as we leave tomorrow. I am so blessed to call you friends. Thank you for all your words of encouragement. I will remember things that each of you said tonight as I am gone these next two weeks. I feel that I am ready to go and get started with this journey. I know, I've already started the journey. But, the second part is beginning. I'm so greatful that my Mom and Ian are going with me. I wish everyone could be there. I have some of the greatest sisters who made food for tonight and put everything together. Thank you to Robyn, Jamie and Jenn! I love you all more than you know. I wish you could all come in my suitcase with me. I will be taking my computer with me, so I can keep up my blog. My treatment will be at 9:30 Tuesday morning. I will let you know how everything goes. Just continue to keep me in your prayers.

Today has been a low day for me. I woke up just feeling down in the dumps. I had errands to run, the kids were in school, so I got myself dressed and went out. I seemed to be doing ok for a little while and then my pain started. I constantly have pain across my whole chest and around my back. It's uncomfortable, but usually tolerable. Today it got so bad. I got in the car from leaving Walmart and burst into tears. Why was I in so much pain? I didn't know if I was going to make it home. When I got home, Ian happened to be there waiting for the water guy. That was a blessing. No kids, so I just let loose. I layed on my bed and cried and cried. Why am I hurting so bad? Please, give me relief I cried out to God. Ian just sat with me and comforted me. I took a pain pill and it slowly began to ease my pain.
It was by no mistake that we were to eat dinner at my parents house with my family. They wanted to pray over me tonight. We thought about cancelling and staying home, but I knew that would be the worst thing for me. We went over to my parents and by the time I got there, the pain was starting again. It was obvious that someone didn't want me there for a reason. We ate dinner and then my family sat around me, even the kids, and prayed over me. Before they started, I told them that I had a rough day today and was believing lies that were going on in my head. The worse the pain gets, I think to myself, the cancer is getting worse. Sometimes being a nurse is a detriment to me. I start trying to assess myself. Before we prayed, my Dad asked if anybody wanted to say anything and my little girl spoke up. She told everyone how her and Grammy had been looking up a new verse each week to help them get through this and writing it down in her notebook. She didn't have her notebook with her, but she could remember each scripture. When she was done, she looked over at me and said, "I know my mom can do this, because she did it before". Nothing like my 9 year old to trust that the Lord is going to heal me. Then my family began to pray. We held hands and we cried and my Dad said that we would come against this as a family. I'm not sure how people get through this without the Lord and the support of their family. I have to say that unfortunately, for the rest of you, I have the best family! Sorry, but they take the cake. Once I got home, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed, but again the pain was too bad. So, here I am writing to all of you knowing that I can have a bad day and my family will be there to pick me up and remind me to rest in my heavenly Father.

All went well with my surgery yesterday. I now have matching scars on both sides from my ports. I had it done at Palm Beach Gardens hospital, which is where I work, and had excellent care. I had my co-workers/friends around my bedside the whole time. Shelby even went in the OR with me. It was so comforting having everyone there. And they kept my Mom entertained as well. I have such great friends that I work with.
All the arrangements have been made for next week. My mom, Ian and I will fly out Monday night and have treatment 9:30 Tuesday morning. We will return the 26th of March. Everything is moving along and Monday will be here before we know it.