I have been having palpitations lately and Thursday was pretty bad. I called Ian to come home from work because I was home alone with the kids and afraid something would happen. Of course I didn't want to go to the hospital. I'm a nurse you know, and a cardiac one at that, and nothing is supposed to be wrong with my heart. Further more, I am sick of going to the hospital. Ian made me call Dr. Mckeen and I did. They of course told me to go the the ER if it continued. It didn't and I didn't have to go. But, they scheduled an echocardiogram and an EKG of my heart. I had to have it done at the hospital and they made an appointment for today. I had to check in with the ER patients and there were people vomiting and really sick in the ER waiting room. I just sat there praying that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around me. My immune system is weak and I just got out of the hospital. I don't need to catch anything else. So, please pray that I was not exposed to anything. I waited two hours for a scheduled test because they couldn't find my prescription. I was a little irritated. But, it was finally done and now we wait for results. The main side effect of the Herceptin that I am still getting is cardiac problems. I'm praying my heart is strong and that the chemo nor the Herceptin has not affected it in anyway.
I brought Maddie with me and we went and had lunch together before the test just to spend some time together alone. On the way to lunch, she started asking me alot of questions about how much it had spread. We told her it had spread, but she never knew all of the places it had gone to. I felt the need to be honest with her and so I told her everywhere it had gone. She has been so strong this summer and has been such big help to me. She has stood by me when I was home alone with my kids and held my head when I was vomiting. She would rub my back and say it's ok Mom, let it out, I'm right here. She would get a cold washcloth for me and clean out my bucket of vomit. Make sure I had something to drink and make lunch for Parker. And, today, she finally broke. She burst into tears in the car and said, Mom, I've had enough! I'm tired of you being sick and all summer. Why does it have to be you? This is what I hate the most about this! When it hurts my little girl, Momma bear comes out. But, I stayed calm and told her we will never know why and it really doesn't matter. I told her mommy is doing better and we know the Lord has never left us through all of this and mommy is going to be better again real soon. I was so glad she was finally honest with me, but my heart is broken tonight as I picture her little face fall apart. I know everyone will say this will make her stronger and who she is today. Well, that's great, but I bet it's not what you would want for your child. I know she will be alright and it will make her stronger. It just wasn't how I would have done it. But, I know she is in God's hands and he can take better care of her than I can. So, just keep her in your prayers as she walks through her feelings.