Psalm 118:17

I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.



Saturday, August 28, 2010

I have been having palpitations lately and Thursday was pretty bad. I called Ian to come home from work because I was home alone with the kids and afraid something would happen. Of course I didn't want to go to the hospital. I'm a nurse you know, and a cardiac one at that, and nothing is supposed to be wrong with my heart. Further more, I am sick of going to the hospital. Ian made me call Dr. Mckeen and I did. They of course told me to go the the ER if it continued. It didn't and I didn't have to go. But, they scheduled an echocardiogram and an EKG of my heart. I had to have it done at the hospital and they made an appointment for today. I had to check in with the ER patients and there were people vomiting and really sick in the ER waiting room. I just sat there praying that the Lord would put a hedge of protection around me. My immune system is weak and I just got out of the hospital. I don't need to catch anything else. So, please pray that I was not exposed to anything. I waited two hours for a scheduled test because they couldn't find my prescription. I was a little irritated. But, it was finally done and now we wait for results. The main side effect of the Herceptin that I am still getting is cardiac problems. I'm praying my heart is strong and that the chemo nor the Herceptin has not affected it in anyway.
I brought Maddie with me and we went and had lunch together before the test just to spend some time together alone. On the way to lunch, she started asking me alot of questions about how much it had spread. We told her it had spread, but she never knew all of the places it had gone to. I felt the need to be honest with her and so I told her everywhere it had gone. She has been so strong this summer and has been such big help to me. She has stood by me when I was home alone with my kids and held my head when I was vomiting. She would rub my back and say it's ok Mom, let it out, I'm right here. She would get a cold washcloth for me and clean out my bucket of vomit. Make sure I had something to drink and make lunch for Parker. And, today, she finally broke. She burst into tears in the car and said, Mom, I've had enough! I'm tired of you being sick and all summer. Why does it have to be you? This is what I hate the most about this! When it hurts my little girl, Momma bear comes out. But, I stayed calm and told her we will never know why and it really doesn't matter. I told her mommy is doing better and we know the Lord has never left us through all of this and mommy is going to be better again real soon. I was so glad she was finally honest with me, but my heart is broken tonight as I picture her little face fall apart. I know everyone will say this will make her stronger and who she is today. Well, that's great, but I bet it's not what you would want for your child. I know she will be alright and it will make her stronger. It just wasn't how I would have done it. But, I know she is in God's hands and he can take better care of her than I can. So, just keep her in your prayers as she walks through her feelings.

7 comments:

  1. Kelly, I am brought to tears reading your post. My heart breaks for everything you are going through especially the pain of seeing Maddie so upset. What a little warrior she has been for you and that must make you so proud! You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. XOXO

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  2. Oh Kelly...I am praying for your precious Maddie. My heart is broken that she has to bear this and I don't understand either why it is you. I am pleading with our heavenly Father to have mercy on your family. I love you so much.

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  3. Kelly, Maddie is always in our prayers, as is Parker and Ian. She's quite the little girl, which is no surprise to God. You're right! It's not how you want your child to gain strength. When I think of Maddie and Parker, I think of them seeing the love of there mom and dad and the love and strength of a family that would move mountains for them.

    We will hold strong to pray for all of you.

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  4. We continue to lift you, Ian, Maddie , and Parker up daily in prayer. Will pray that God will give Maddie strength as she walks this road. It breaks my heart for all of you that you are having to endure this. I know God is walking with you. Praying that all of you will experience His amazing love and peace. Love you all!

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  5. Kelly...my eyes are filled with tears. We continuely pray for you and your family. Maddie is so precious. I can't imagine how difficult this is, but I do know that our God is so much bigger than this and I believe He can and is healing you. We will continue to pray for comfort, healing, and peace for you, Ian, Maddie, and Parker.
    Love,
    --Kelly and family

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  6. Kel...it is OK to be angry and it is ok to question why. The Psalms are full of people fuming and railing at God for their pain and frustration. But....they are also full of thanks for all God has done. No child should have to see their parent suffer but we don't get to choose that for them. It is good for all of you to let out your anger. Give it to God...he can take it. Release it..but then let it go and let the emotional healing begin. I am praying for your heart and your immune system to be strong....but mostly I am praying for you to feel that God is doing a great work in you and that your miraculous healing will be an inspiration and witness to many people...most especially to your precious family. I love you so much!! Thank you for being such a wonderful wife and mom. God has blessed you with a beautiful strong and faithful daughter, son and husband!!

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  7. No one would ever choose this for themselves or their precious children, never. I love you and continue to pray for healing.

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