Psalm 118:17

I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. My computer crashed and is still being worked on. Ian brought me home his laptop so that I could catch up until mine is fixed.
Unfortunately, it has been another rough week. I had chemo last Tuesday and went in with a very positive attitude. I did well the day of chemo and the next day, Wednesday, I felt good enough to go to the pumpkin patch with Parker's class. We had breakfast together by ourselves and then met his class there. We had such a good time together and the Lord gave me strength to get through it. But, by Wednesday night, the vomiting started. And it continued until Sunday. My abdomen was also very full of fluid and causing me a great deal of pain. When the fluid gets so full, it begins to push on all my organs and is painful. It too causes nausea and vomiting. Mom called Dr. McKeen Saturday night to find out if I could get it drained on Sunday. The catch was, that I only want a certain doctor to do it. This will have been my sixth time of being drained and each doctor is very different. It is not a pleasant procedure getting the needle into my belly and I have found one doctor at Good Samaritan that is very gentle and is worth waiting for. Unfortunately he was out of town for the weekend, but he said he could do it Monday. So, we scheduled it for Monday and all went well. She didn't want any more than 3liters taken off, so that is what they took. They could have taken more, but it is too much of a fluid shift for me to take anymore than that. Yesterday, I was very sore, but had my chemo appointment. I was not sure whether I could take the chemo, because I am so weak. Now that my belly has gone way down, you can feel what is in there. I told Jamie that morning that I could feel tumors and she could too. Dr. McKeen could also feel them all over my abdomen. My breast was completely soft last week and now this week, half of it is hard again. So, she said the chemo is not working. She gave me the week off because I'm not strong enough and will start me on a new chemo next week. It is called Doxil and has some yucky side effects. It will make my hands, feet and mouth raw. While I am getting the chemo, they will put ice packs on my hands and feet and keep ice in my mouth to try and prevent the chemo from going to those spots. It's called cryotherapy. They gave me a kit with special lotion to use soft pads to put in my shoes when I walk. I will get it once a month, but will still get my Herceptin weekly. This chemo is supposed to be more specific to the abdomen and we have got to get that under control. She sent off for tumor markers again this week and will get results next week.
Meanwhile, Maddie crawled into bed with me the night before last and said she is afraid that I am going to die. She said she is not dumb and knows that people die from cancer and she knows that I am very sick. She also said that she worried about me when I am home by myself. She is afraid that I am going to slip and fall or vomiting and Daddy can't get to me fast enough. She can't wait to get home to make sure that I am ok. I don't even know what to say to her anymore. I just told her that I don't plan on dying and that we are trusting the Lord. This is awful, but I wanted to say to her, I would love to just close my eyes and not wake up. Heaven just sounds better and better. No suffering or pain. I know that sounds so selfish of me, but there are days when those thoughts cross my mind. Some days just get the best of me.
Please pray for strength and endurance as this journey continues to be long and difficult.


  1. I don't think you're being selfish Kelly. We all have those thoughts of being in heaven and not dealing with worldly things. We just don't all deal with what you are dealing with. I love you so much!

  2. Oh Kelly, I love you and it pains me so to hear about what you are having to endure right now. I'm sure that the worst part is seeing the fear and pain in Maddie. Our oldest boy has heart surgery coming up and the worst thing for me is seeing his fear. I can only imagine how it must make you feel. I am praying for God's supernatural strength and peace for all of you! Your words in the blog are honest and sometimes raw but they are truly a gift, thank you. It is a gift to be able to pray for you and your family in this time. I will continue to pray for the new chemo to work and for you to regain that strength. You always were very strong - God given stubbornness! ;) Love you.

  3. Kelly, thank you for your candor so we know how to pray. Be assured of my continuing prayer and that of my family. I have never encountered anyone with your stamina and fighting spirit. You continue to inspire me more than you will ever realize. I will continue to pray for God's mercy and grace for Maddie as she struggles against her fears. With love.

  4. Kelly - Asking God to meet each one of you where you are today. I'm sure for you, Ian, Maddie and Parker, each day brings something new for God to carry you through. I am earnestly standing in the gap for you daily. May God hold you, sustain you, give you His peace that passes all understanding, touch you with His healing hand. With God nothing is impossible...
    Love you Kelly!

  5. are not selfish one bit to want to be with Lord and out of pain. Remember that Heaven is the ultimate goal for all of us. That's such a difficult concept when you are a young mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, friend....but Jesus has promised us eternal life. Maybe God is urging you to take that leap of faith to let Him decided your future. I truly believe He has annointed you and that your journey is serving an incredible purpose in the lives of all those who love and pray for you - most especially Maddie, Parker & Ian. You have taught your children the most important lesson: Proverbs 3:5-6

    5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;

    6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

    They will rely on Christ to get them through whatever lies ahead. Giving in to God's will is NOT giving up! We love and support you always. I just pray for you to have peace...whatever that means to you. I love you!!

  6. Jon and I have been praying for your family... and more specifically your children. Clearly Maddie is having her own difficulties... and our Father alone knows how to care for her. I pray the Holy Spirit rests upon your house daily, bringing His peace and comfort to your whole family.

  7. Oh Kellie, I agree, it is not selfish of you to want to rest in the Lord's arms pain free and I am praying that you are able to feel His arms around you each day. We are also praying for God to meet all the needs of your family, especially your kids. He knows what they need and He alone can meet every one. So glad that you have been able to have these special times with the kids, the camping and the pumpkin patch. We keep praying and trusting with you and Ian. Love you all.

  8. You don't know me but a friend of mine posted your blog so I read some of your story. I just wanted you to know that there is a farmer's wife/school teacher in Galva, Kansas who will be praying for you and your family.