I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. My computer crashed and is still being worked on. Ian brought me home his laptop so that I could catch up until mine is fixed.
Unfortunately, it has been another rough week. I had chemo last Tuesday and went in with a very positive attitude. I did well the day of chemo and the next day, Wednesday, I felt good enough to go to the pumpkin patch with Parker's class. We had breakfast together by ourselves and then met his class there. We had such a good time together and the Lord gave me strength to get through it. But, by Wednesday night, the vomiting started. And it continued until Sunday. My abdomen was also very full of fluid and causing me a great deal of pain. When the fluid gets so full, it begins to push on all my organs and is painful. It too causes nausea and vomiting. Mom called Dr. McKeen Saturday night to find out if I could get it drained on Sunday. The catch was, that I only want a certain doctor to do it. This will have been my sixth time of being drained and each doctor is very different. It is not a pleasant procedure getting the needle into my belly and I have found one doctor at Good Samaritan that is very gentle and is worth waiting for. Unfortunately he was out of town for the weekend, but he said he could do it Monday. So, we scheduled it for Monday and all went well. She didn't want any more than 3liters taken off, so that is what they took. They could have taken more, but it is too much of a fluid shift for me to take anymore than that. Yesterday, I was very sore, but had my chemo appointment. I was not sure whether I could take the chemo, because I am so weak. Now that my belly has gone way down, you can feel what is in there. I told Jamie that morning that I could feel tumors and she could too. Dr. McKeen could also feel them all over my abdomen. My breast was completely soft last week and now this week, half of it is hard again. So, she said the chemo is not working. She gave me the week off because I'm not strong enough and will start me on a new chemo next week. It is called Doxil and has some yucky side effects. It will make my hands, feet and mouth raw. While I am getting the chemo, they will put ice packs on my hands and feet and keep ice in my mouth to try and prevent the chemo from going to those spots. It's called cryotherapy. They gave me a kit with special lotion to use soft pads to put in my shoes when I walk. I will get it once a month, but will still get my Herceptin weekly. This chemo is supposed to be more specific to the abdomen and we have got to get that under control. She sent off for tumor markers again this week and will get results next week.
Meanwhile, Maddie crawled into bed with me the night before last and said she is afraid that I am going to die. She said she is not dumb and knows that people die from cancer and she knows that I am very sick. She also said that she worried about me when I am home by myself. She is afraid that I am going to slip and fall or vomiting and Daddy can't get to me fast enough. She can't wait to get home to make sure that I am ok. I don't even know what to say to her anymore. I just told her that I don't plan on dying and that we are trusting the Lord. This is awful, but I wanted to say to her, I would love to just close my eyes and not wake up. Heaven just sounds better and better. No suffering or pain. I know that sounds so selfish of me, but there are days when those thoughts cross my mind. Some days just get the best of me.
Please pray for strength and endurance as this journey continues to be long and difficult.